Dishonest

Do you ever have one of those days when it takes effort just to smile? I find it better not to fake it in those situations, because my forced smile makes me look like a serial killer poised for attack.

One of my favorite co-workers is leaving. Today is his last day, and at his party this morning I'm pretty sure I was alternating between the maniacal smile and just looking very uncomfortable. I may have been rude to at least a couple of people who are several rungs above me on the institutional ladder. I may have enjoyed it.

We get attached to our co-workers. This one is my partner in crime. We gossip and bitch about some of our colleagues, which I generally don't do. Once, when I worked at another job, my favorite co-worker left, and my boyfriend broke up with me on the same day. I fought tears that first day without my colleague. I missed him much more than the boyfriend.

Meanwhile, it's dawned on me that another friend has probably been lying to me about some things for a long time. Dishonesty just doesn't compute for me. I don't understand deception, especially with your friends. Isn't the whole point of friendship having someone with whom you can be honest?

Fun overdose

I'm having withdrawal symptoms after a weekend of Big Fun. MC was visiting, and Jo was there. We ate and drank and gossipped and went to a picnic where it was very hot. There's nothing better than a visit with your best friends to remind you what important (very little). There's nothing more refreshing, even if you don't get enough sleep.

And we have tomatoes!

It's official -- Brandywine and Mr. Stripey, my two heirloom tomato plants, have fruit! They have reached the critical juncture that has brought heartache to my family of tomato-gardeners too many times in the past. It seems we're good at growing big plants and even getting blooms, but some years the fruit just never sets.

Right now, I have about five quarter-sized tomatoes in my two planters on the patio. I opted for movable planters because I thought the patio sun might be too intense, and containers can always be moved to a different part of the yard.

But these guys are tough! Of course, the most punishing heat is just beginning, but I already have tomatoes. So, this weekend is Operation Fortify Tomatoes. My dad and I will be building some sort of elaborate structure out of stakes, netting and rocks in order to keep the birds and squirrels out.

My dad is a retired architect, so he is all over this project! He's talking angles and supports. I just feel the urgency, because those little green fruits are getting bigger and juicier every day.

First pie

Last night, I made the first pie of the season. I cheat a little and make "rustic pies," which means the crust is a bit more durable b/c it has some cornmeal in it. Also, you just roll out the dough, slop the fruit in the middle, and fold up the edges. It's purposely rough, with broken edges and maybe a few tears in the dough.

So, I made a blueberry-nectarine rustic pie, and it was fantastic. I like the dough because it's both crunchy and tender, and not very sweet. Just some butter and very intense, cooked fruit.

At the risk of sounding completely absurd, I would submit that a blueberry pie is the sexiest of desserts. Surely, chocolate mousse is an obvious choice, but blueberries are both rich and juicy.

Vanilla ice cream is compulsory, by the way, and the pie MUST be served hot. None of those cold pies I used to eat on Long Island. What's up with that?

Lack of fun

Before I even realized it this morning, the words "I never do anything fun at this job" came out of my mouth in a conversation with my boss. I think she took it better than I did, actually, because she suggested I figure out something that would improve my morale.

I just wanted to cry. Even now, I can feel tears simmering. I've been feeling the dissatisfaction for a while, but I keep telling myself to ride it out. This has been a period of very long and necessarily painful transition.

In the last year, I finished the biggest project of my career so far and dealt with unexpected months of fallout from it. I was rewarded with an additional employee, and we have a solid, excellent working relationship. I also was rewarded by being "invited" to work on a miserable project that I don't really have time for, and which involves a Byzantine level of politics and intrigue.

I've had to fight the perception that, because of my new employee, I have a lot of extra free time. In fact, she's largely just filling in the holes that were left gaping before because there was no one to do the work.

On the other hand, I have to fight the urge to be unfairly defensive when she takes on duties I think of as mine, even though many of them weren't especially gratifying to me. I have just enough self-awareness to keep it in check, but it's a struggle.

The thing that prompted my comment today involved a training class for some new web design technology. I've said it before, but lately I've really felt that any creative aspects of my job are draining away. Mostly I keep the projects moving and listen to complaints from clients -- sometimes very bitter, insulting complaints.

Not that I was ever a design goddess, but I'm slipping further from the technology and actually being able to do anything creative. There's writing, but that always gets pushed aside to make way for the daily parade of project management tasks. There's strategic thinking, but I find myself asking, "what's the point" about many of our current projects.

Even so, my job looks great on paper. I have wonderful colleagues, and it would clearly be a mistake for me to leave this job. The problem is, I'm used to leaving jobs when I get to this point. It's like the saying about dropping a loose shoe. Goodbye, commitment! So long, discomfort!

And here's the kicker--I secretly think that I could do much more to find creative outlets, but I'm lazy. It's so easy to get caught up in the demands of the day, to lull yourself with the daily task list of tiny, meaningless accomplishments. Maybe I'm not being creative because I don't want to work any harder than I already am.

So much talking

I remember back before my vacation that I was tired of hearing people talking all the time. Talking, talking, talking--in meetings, on the phone. People coming in my office. It makes me tired.