Lack of fun

Before I even realized it this morning, the words "I never do anything fun at this job" came out of my mouth in a conversation with my boss. I think she took it better than I did, actually, because she suggested I figure out something that would improve my morale.

I just wanted to cry. Even now, I can feel tears simmering. I've been feeling the dissatisfaction for a while, but I keep telling myself to ride it out. This has been a period of very long and necessarily painful transition.

In the last year, I finished the biggest project of my career so far and dealt with unexpected months of fallout from it. I was rewarded with an additional employee, and we have a solid, excellent working relationship. I also was rewarded by being "invited" to work on a miserable project that I don't really have time for, and which involves a Byzantine level of politics and intrigue.

I've had to fight the perception that, because of my new employee, I have a lot of extra free time. In fact, she's largely just filling in the holes that were left gaping before because there was no one to do the work.

On the other hand, I have to fight the urge to be unfairly defensive when she takes on duties I think of as mine, even though many of them weren't especially gratifying to me. I have just enough self-awareness to keep it in check, but it's a struggle.

The thing that prompted my comment today involved a training class for some new web design technology. I've said it before, but lately I've really felt that any creative aspects of my job are draining away. Mostly I keep the projects moving and listen to complaints from clients -- sometimes very bitter, insulting complaints.

Not that I was ever a design goddess, but I'm slipping further from the technology and actually being able to do anything creative. There's writing, but that always gets pushed aside to make way for the daily parade of project management tasks. There's strategic thinking, but I find myself asking, "what's the point" about many of our current projects.

Even so, my job looks great on paper. I have wonderful colleagues, and it would clearly be a mistake for me to leave this job. The problem is, I'm used to leaving jobs when I get to this point. It's like the saying about dropping a loose shoe. Goodbye, commitment! So long, discomfort!

And here's the kicker--I secretly think that I could do much more to find creative outlets, but I'm lazy. It's so easy to get caught up in the demands of the day, to lull yourself with the daily task list of tiny, meaningless accomplishments. Maybe I'm not being creative because I don't want to work any harder than I already am.